Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
