She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize