Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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