my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
