I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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