every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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