I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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