Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
