You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
