hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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