Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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