i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize