apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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