there's paper in my vomit.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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