Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
