I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
