nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
