i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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