I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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