seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize