when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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