i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
