fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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