Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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