A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize