I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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