I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
