Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
