I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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