Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
