I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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