I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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