didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
