Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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