perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize