I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
