you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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