Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
