Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
