I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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