I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
