Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
