my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
