so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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