I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
