turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
