Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
