I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
