help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
