Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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