one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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