no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
