I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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