Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
