I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
