I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
